Thursday, October 14, 2010

there's just one thing.

Yet again I start a new chapter. Just in life, not on the page, yet.
I've been working so hard in every aspect of my life, I have forgotten to play hard, too. And, maybe not in the ways I used to, but the ways I want to now. Like window shopping with the occasional splurge and a glass of wine or... five, taking a longer route than necessary to listen to music with the windows down, you know, things like that.
I'm moving into my new home in a couple of weeks. I've got design on the brain. Taking any chance I get to shop around for good deals that will make it feel like a home sooner or later. That's important to me. To build a cozy little nest that I can walk into and just say "this is my home and I'm so happy to be here." Full of rich colors, clean, new pieces that have me written all over them.
All of this is in preparation of my 25th year. I've just got a feeling this is gonna be the year I make big things happen for me. I cross off all of those things on the list I've been meaning to do and do them well. It's going to be a turning point. It's been decided. So many transitions and changes, things to get used to, things to miss have been making up the first half of my 20s now it's time to really make them count. Explore myself and the things that matter to me most. There's been a storm brewing for some time. Sometimes I've wonder if it has already passed and maybe I just slept through it and will just wake up to a gorgeous day and think "wait, what happened?" There's definitely been some thunder, but the lightening always let's you know just for a second that everything will be bright again soon.
It's gonna be different, better, brighter, bigger, adventurous, but don't think for a second it won't be hard. That's what makes it all worth it.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

ready to go.

it's weird cause i'm sitting in the same place i sat all the time before so many things happened. such a different place now. it's almost as if the last six years were a dream and here i am back in my bedroom at my parents' house. going the same places seeing the same faces. picking up where i left off, in some ways.
it's been a strange couple of months. to say the least. the last week has been really strange. getting through the fog and seeing things again i haven't seen in a long time. feelings things again i forgot how to feel. getting to a happier place. making a full circle. it's strange that six years bring you right back to where you left off in a totally different time. this doesn't make sense.
i'm allowing this to once again be a stepping stone to bigger, better things. i got such a good leap off of this launch pad so long ago. just need to stretch a little bit. seek inspiration daily. feel it out.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

ok. so.

again, everything is changing. a little faster than usual.
i hit a wall and needed out. i found a way, but had no idea it would be so...easy? i don't know the word.
i'm leaving my lonely little life. a lot of mixed feelings about it. i wouldn't be where i am today, at this moment, if it weren't for the last year. i needed it. i hated it. i loved it. i faced it. i survived it.
now i'm starting a new job. new chapter. new journey. a lot of adjustments will need to be made. i'll be going from being on my own for six years to moving in with my parents. eek. i'm happy that i'm able to go back home, but worry that my relationship with my parents will suffer. but, it's just a transition. a transition to better, happier things, hopefully. i look forward to what the future holds. the possibilities. the opportunities. although it's still a little scary. i built a comfortable nest down here by myself and have gotten so used to being alone. no one else to worry about. no one else to answer to.
new page.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

hope for a golden... everything.

2.22.10 get to see my love.
2.28.10 i see my 60-year-old father on his birthday.
3.24.10 off work for a week.
3.27.10 stand beside my sister as she marries her best friend.
3.30.10 celebrate my love's new year.
5.04.10 countin' on it to be a beautiful day so i can take a long drive with an empty head and broken social scene.
6.19.10 will feel like a new person in a new place with some of the best people on earth experiencing the best music being made today.

these are the things that are filling my calender with more goodness in between i'm sure. i'm in a good place right now. happy alone. taking real good care of myself. looking forward to a lot. hoping for a lot. exercised a lot of demons. they're gone now, i feel a lot lighter. no more burdens harbored. that's an accomplishment. i've got a book written in my head. chapter titles and all, but damn it, if i can just make it into something material. there's a lot of fear though that the beautiful things in my head won't translate to the page. working on getting past that though. i've been setting a lot of goals for myself and the best part is, i'm actually moving towards them and not just staring at them from a distance. inching a little bit closer every day. not holding it against myself if i stand still for a minute either.
don't hold your breath.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

happiness is a...

today i discovered that happiness is a ten minute meditation with broken social scene in a tanning bed after working out.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

i need you so much closer.

there's a pot of coffee on and i'm spending my saturday off this month getting my life together. cleaning every nook and cranny of this apartment i've turned into a dump because of lack of care for myself and my life.
really, i woke up the other day and looked around and thought, if something were to happen to me, and the people i loved had to come here to piece together my last days, this is not what i want them to appear to be like. strange thought, i know, but that's where my head is at these days.
i have big hopes for the future. i allowed myself to feel like a lost failure for too long. i'm paying dues right now to build the future i want to see myself in.
there are so many good things going on in my life right now. while it seems as though my extended family crumbles over and over again, if i've learned anything in this last year, it's that we're all we've got. we allow distance to keep us apart because it's easy to stay mad or hurt when you don't have to live with that person every day. but we didn't choose to share our lives with the people we're related to, but we're meant to. there's a common thread that lives deep in all of us somewhere. an eternal connection. i spent a lot of my life fighting that core. wanting to be as many miles away from it as possible, but every distance i've traveled whether big or small, at the end of my journey, i always find my way back home. that's incredible.
i've said it before, many times, but you really have to get to the bottom of the pit to realize just what is above you and worth crawling out for. life is fucking hard. for everyone no matter how much we want to list what they have and we don't, it's hard for us all and why can't we just try to make it better for ourselves and each other?
i'm finding inspiration in strange places right now and it's really powerful.

even it's justin timberlake on a telethon. this kind of felt like a prayer to me. and i haven't felt that in a long time. makes me feel better about seeing nsync with my sister in middle school.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

retail rant.

you know, there was once a time that i really enjoyed helping people find christmas gifts they were really happy to give, but i think the grinch in me is winning because i fight the urge all day to kick someone in the shins and spit on them.
i mean, i understand the turning-the-other-cheek thing, but do i really have to allow customers talk to me like i'm the most ignorant person they've ever met and have people bitch at me because we're out of something during the biggest shopping month of the year just because it's the customer service thing to do?
at this point, i think the customer service thing to do is to tell them just what an asshole they are and they have no right to talk to another person that way and they should be ashamed of themselves.
and don't get me started on the ones that wear the festive bedazzled sweat shirts. they are the worst. all of their christmas spirit can be found in the glued on santa design that is losing its sequins and has gravy stains from its last 20 holiday-year wear.
if shopping makes you that miserable, don't fucking do it. you've ruined it for me and countless other retail employees i'm sure.
and that gift set you're bitching at me about, will most likely be returned asap anyway so don't get so fucking worked up about it.
so there.